Alcoholism - The Family Disease

Basic Information

Alcoholism not only affects the drinker but affects all of the drinker's relationships--marriage, love affairs, parents, children, friendships, employment. It especially affects those who are closest to the alcoholic -- or those who truly love and care about the alcoholic. That is why alcoholism is called a family disease. It does not affect the alcoholic alone -- compulsive drinking can so affect those who love an alcoholic that they themselves can begin to suffer many of the same symptoms of alcoholism -- extreme irritability, sleeplessness, anxiety, hopelessness, loss of control, rage, fear and a compulsive focus on alcohol. This condition is called para-alcoholism. Like the alcoholic, they can deny that they have a problem and can become quite ill before admitting that it is not only the alcoholic who is sick and needs help. They are sick and need help too -- and, like the alcoholic, need to recover from the effects of this devastating, insidious disease. These well-meaning people have often exhausted themselves by arguing rationally with an irrational illness expecting rational results. In fact they have been pleading, arguing, threatening, placating and trying to exert control not over a person but over a drug -- and they always lose ground. It has been said both the alcoholic and the person who cares for the alcoholic are caught up in the same insanity and same compulsion -- the drinker with his or her arms around the battle, the person who cares with his or her arms around the alcoholic. And neither one will let go.

Fortunately there is help for the person who cares about an alcoholic and has suffered the effects of this threefold disease -- physical, mental and spiritual. Often speaking honestly with a health care provider that is knowledgeable and compassionate about the disease of alcoholism is a first step -- the health care provider can evaluate the situation and recommend therapy with a therapist experienced in substance abuse issues as well as recommend joining a peer support group -- in this case Al-Anon, a 12-step program adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). Al-Anon has only one purpose -- to help families and friends of alcoholics. Living with or loving an alcoholic active in his or her disease is too much for most people. Help is needed to start to regain physical, mental and spiritual health.

Let's look at some of the ways a loved person's drinking can affect the person who cares.

The person who cares will expend incredible energy on trying to get the drinker to stop. Soon their focus is totally reactive to whatever the alcoholic is doing; in fact, they try to anticipate what the alcoholic is thinking and try to control an uncontrollable situation. This is obsession and leads to out of control obsessive thinking and behavior.

With great anxiety, they try to fix the alcoholic's immediate problems -- calling an employer on the alcoholic's behalf, making excuses for the alcoholic, watching finances go down the drain and the physical, mental and spiritual health of a loved one dissolve before their eyes. Veering between depression at their situation and anger at the alcoholic for problems caused by the uncontrolled drinking, the sense of self becomes lost. Retreating into a world of denial they cling to the belief that somehow the alcoholic will change -- they try to believe each new resolution from the alcoholic that he or she will stop drinking. When that doesn't happen, they can become plagued by feelings of guilt that somehow they are to blame not only for their loved one's alcoholism but for somehow not being able to fix the situation. Eventually they feel unloved and alone and full of despair. This may precipitate hitting a "bottom" in the sense that an alcoholic may hit a "bottom" -- admitting powerlessness over the disease of alcoholism and the futility of trying to change the alcoholic.

Take the analogy of a water bug in a swimming pool. The person who cares about an alcoholic knows that the alcoholic wants to reach the end of the pool, but like two water bugs, the first splays out in different directions, haphazardly, and the other follows behind trying to get the other bug to go in a straight line. The end result is that neither bug reaches the end of the pool where each needs to go. So the person who loves the compulsive drinker, by focusing compulsively on the crazy-making course of the alcoholic, makes a crazy-making course of his or her own and reaching the end of the pool seems an impossible and even forgotten destination. Sobriety has not only been lost for the alcoholic, but for the person who cares as well. There is nothing sober about being fixated and controlled by an irrational disease.

Unfortunately many people who care about the compulsive drinker "can't see the forest for the trees" -- can't admit that their lives are out of control because they continue to be obsessed by the alcoholic's behavior and cannot see that their own behavior is not sane or sober. They, too, need to be restored to sanity and to begin the process of recovery.

Symptoms

As mentioned previously, symptoms in those who care about a compulsive drinker, especially those living in an active situation, may include:

  • irritability, tension
  • anxiety and/or fear
  • depression
  • anger
  • sense of hopelessness
  • loss of control
  • sleeping problems (being "on guard" does not allow a deep sleep)
  • headaches
  • stomach upsets including ulcers
  • lack of concentration
  • guilt
  • obsessive thinking and behavior

Diagnosis/Treatment

A professional health care provider, experienced and knowledgeable about the disease of alcoholism, can recommend counseling and individual or group therapy for the patient whose life has been affected by someone else's drinking. Anti-depressant medication may be prescribed as well as other medications to treat any physical problem. A complete physical exam may be advised. Taking a history of the patient's experiences with alcoholism should indicate the level of anxiety and/or depression and help the health care provider decide what assistance is needed for the individual patient. The patient must be educated about the disease of alcoholism and must become aware that compulsive drinking is an illness and that disease or illness is a condition and not an act. And not an act against a family member. The alcoholic has no more control over the disease than the patient does. The patient must begin to learn how to cope with his or her own problem before any positive effects can come to the alcoholic.

That is why Al-Anon is almost always recommended as an effective treatment for the patient. Al-Anon is a 12-step program adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and this peer support group is extremely important in the family's recovery process. Healing can begin to occur at meetings where members who have shared common problems can give each other insight and understanding and help each other put the focus where it needs to be -- on the person who cares and not on the alcoholic. By sharing experience, strength and hope, a person who has been affected by a loved one's drinking can begin to detach with compassion from the alcoholic's drinking. Family attitudes and distorted perspectives change. An understanding fellowship can help relieve feelings of fear, confusion, guilt and anxiety, and coping methods can be found, encouragement can be given to the alcoholic and slowly a sense of serenity can be achieved. With the spiritual help of Al-Anon, attitudes can change which will aid recovery.

If you have been affected by someone else's drinking, please see a knowledgeable, understanding health care provider who can encourage you and guide you to the help you need.

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