Women Have Showers, Men Have Storms or The Rocky Road to Fatherhood

By Jonathan Beckenstein, CSW

We seem to have the understanding these days that major life-altering events have emotional consequences (except maybe, when they happen to us). Few are surprised when crises like the loss of a home, serious illness, or the death of a loved one trigger difficult feelings which need attention if life is to fully continue. We forget however, that it is not only life's misfortunes that stir us up. Good changes, if they are profound enough, can also bring about emotional upheaval. The months spent waiting for a child to be born, for example, or even the planning for one, can be a magical time filled with possibility. But waiting for a baby is also one of those life events that tend to push things to the surface. It can really shake you up.

Women, of course, have known this for a very long time, and have developed rituals to celebrate pregnancy. Today women make Baby Showers for pregnant friends, where they can share hopes and fears about the coming change in their lives, and receive support from those who have gone before. Men however, in the absence of a ritualized opportunity to work things through - and without the focus provided by a daily miracle unfolding in their bodies - are left to figure it all out on their own. You might say, while women have showers, men have storms.

It is hardly possible to underestimate the variety of emotions that a pregnancy may trigger - and for the expectant father, the experience of being absolutely blindsided by a few thorny ones is routine. In fact any aspect of a man's life about which he is uncertain, or about which he may previously felt quite certain, is likely to be lit up and called into question as the possibility of a child becomes real. Every father-to-be regardless of personality style, sexual orientation, method of fertility or adoption or the kind or relationship he is in is equally vulnerable to a bit of inner turmoil. Sounds like fun - right, guys?

The truth is, the time of expectant fatherhood provides a deep and rich opportunity to consider things - and to prepare on the inside. The emotional issues raised are well worth attention, and may have been brewing for years with no good way to access them. What follows is a brief description of a few common ones. I hope the reader will be prompted by reflecting on these to begin to develop a familiarity with his own inner life as fatherhood approaches. As the birth of a child nears, responsibilities and commitments can loom large, and it is easy to wonder if one is up to the task. Anxiety about measuring up to the mythology of manhood may creep in around the edges as one begins to think of himself as provider and caretaker. Whatever forms such wondering, may have taken in the past (and who of us is a stranger to them?), preparing for fatherhood often prompts them in a particularly sharp way.

Always in the shadows also, as one thinks of becoming a father, is his relationship with his own father, and what it felt like for him to be a son. Whatever the colors and complexities of that story, fathers-to-be may experience an increased awareness of them -- a kind of reliving of the emotional climate of their relationships with their own dads. Such awareness often includes aspects of the father-son relationship which were not particularly apparent before the possibility of one's own child became real.

Another emotionally charged territory into which the expectant father may wander is related to what we call "mid-life crisis". The birth of a child can unexpectedly thrust one into an awareness of his own mortality - accompanied by a sense of options closing as well as opening - and may in turn prompt a general re-examining of values and goals. While this sort of experience may be more common among older fathers, younger men are often surprised by its appearance and power.

Other common issues raised by pregnancy include those related to possessiveness and sharing, and to the reliving of any childhood trauma. Keep in mind, there are as many possibilites of questions arising as there are prospective fathers. Attentiveness to whatever is stirred not only better prepares one for fatherhood, but also enables a richer, fuller life.

Of course it is not possible to be completely ready for fatherhood. You learn as you go. Still one might ask, to borrow a famous title, what to expect when you're expecting? Expect something -- and probably something big. Expect to expect one thing and get another. Expect for it to take a while to sink in. Expect giddiness, or numbness, moodiness or joy, pride, vague uneasiness, feelings of power, irritability, or terror. Expect anything in between. Expect, maybe, mysterious longings and surprising behavior, like the emergence of an addiction or other acting out. Expect the ride of your life. Expect to grow.

Above all, remember those women and their Showers -- and don't go it alone. Consider that you have friends and family and those who have gone before you. And if you feel you don't, or it is too hard to be with them, or you are more shaken than you thought you could possibly be, then this is the kind of thing therapy was made for. Talk about it -- one way or another. And treasure the experience, even if it's stormy. It is one of life's good things.

Jonathan Beckenstein, MSW/CSW

Always Your Choice is honored to have these articles written by Jonathan Beckenstein. Mr. Beckenstein, or Jonathan, as most know him is a certified social worker who is in a private practice at 80 East 11th Street. He has a wealth load of experience in working with clients in a one on one social work setting as a psychotherapist. Besides his master's degree in social work, he has done post graduate work in the field of individual psychotherapy. Jonathan's goal as a therapist is to share with the client how to access feelings and deal with them. He is known for his work with men and men's issues surrounding the topics of identity, self-esteem, and relationships. He can be reached at 212-420-9255.