Gay Men And Aging

Some gay men dread growing older. I remember an encounter I met years ago when I was first coming out. We were both about 20. At the end of a rather passionate afternoon, the guy asked if he could take a Polaroid photo of me. (Unlike Dr. Laura, this one has not shown up on the Internet!) Afterwards I watched him place the photo in a box with several others. I asked about it, curious. He said it was his “memory box.” He knew that once he turned 30 he would be too old to have sex anymore, and he at least wanted to be able to remember a time when others had found him sexually desirable!

Much has been made of the obsession with youth that gay men are alleged to possess. It’s true that many of the commercial images used to sell things to our community tend to suggest one standard of male beauty: buffed, hairless, white and young. Not everyone fits this standard. No matter how much time you spend at the gym, the only way to stay young and buffed all your life is to plan on dying young. (I'm 45, by the way.)

For those whose main connection with the gay community is the bar and club scene, it is possible to live in a very age-segregated world. This is understandable -- human beings often tend to hang out with people pretty much like ourselves in age or class or interest -- but it can distort our perspective. At some bars, a 35 year old man who walked in might be the oldest guy present.

I occasionally hears older men comment on the age discrimination they feel they have experienced in such bars. Talking to them a bit more, it often seems that the “discrimination” involves finding that the younger men in these places aren't especially eager to cruise or connect with them. Talking further, though, will often reveal that these guys aren't interested in frequenting places with a more diverse clientele because they are only interested in young guys!

I'd like to suggest a new way of addressing ageism in our community. I think the real ageism is the failure to find someone our own age attractive. There is no particular reason why a younger man should find an older man attractive -- although many, many men do. But when we hold up a standard that says in effect “Only men younger than me are hot or worthy of my attention,” we are setting ourselves up for a great deal of unhappiness in life.

Younger men tend to hang out with other younger men because they have a good deal in common. Another way of putting it is that they are at a similar stage in life’s development. This is to be expected.

Some younger men prefer older, more experienced partners. Some of the most long-lived relationships I know involve men with a 10 or 15 year age difference. These men find a complimentarily in their age divergence. The older man brings experience and wisdom to the relationship, the younger man contributes a different perspective and energy.

When older men seek out younger men exclusively, they may be saying something about themselves -- that they cannot find men their own age appealing, for instance, and that they secretly fear they are unattractive to others. These men are in danger of becoming manipulative and embittered.

Younger men who avoid the company of older men may have problems accepting the fact of their own aging. They risk clinging to a youth that inevitably fades away at some point in life. If we cannot imagine ourselves being interesting and juicy older guys someday, we risk creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

BUILDING SELF ESTEEM

Having a solid sense of your self-worth is important if you want to be able to develop healthy relationships. Gay men find their self-esteem challenged in a variety of ways: messages from radio talk show hosts who claim we are inferior, messages from society saying that our relationships are less significant than straight people’s relationships, and messages from other gay men that confuse how we look with who we are.

It’s one thing to understand and try to correct our own shortcomings, but it’s quite another to feel as if we are somehow intrinsically flawed or unworthy.

There are different “flavors” of self-esteem. Some kinds come from having a sense of accomplishment in life – we succeed in school or work and develop a sense that we are good at what we do. A more basic kind comes from living up to our personal sense of right and wrong – having a sense of ourselves as honest, kind, conscientious, and so fort.

A still more fundamental sense of self-worth comes from learning early in life that we are loved and respected by those around us. Children raised in loving families develop a positive sense of themselves. Kids who are raised with a fear that there is something wrong or deficient with them don't learn this life lesson. To the extent that growing up queer means growing up with a terrible secret, gay kids are at considerable risk of maturing into adults with a weak sense of their own value. Dr. Laura and her ilk in the religious right only make this worse.

All of us hear voices. In fact, there is probably a committee meeting going on inside your head right now. One of the voices – sometimes the loudest voice – belongs to that of your internal Critic. The Critic, much like a feared Broadway critic, is constantly reviewing your performance. The problem is, this internal critic is pitiless. No error escapes his watchful eye; his commentary on your life can be remorseless. Worse, you can never please the Critic, never get a “good review.” Worse still, the internal critic will often invent flaws if he can't find genuine ones.

One way to deal with the Critic is simply to notice when he is speaking, take a breath, label the internal voice (“That’s my Critic talking”) and let it go. Don't angry with yourself for having a critical voice inside you; the Critic only use your self-criticism against you, and then you're in for another round! Better to just acknowledge the voice, take a deep breath and let go. Forgive yourself for not being perfect.

Because the Critic speaks so loudly and so often, it’s hard to hear the other voices inside us that sound more supportive – voices that salute us when we do a good job, or which affirm our basic worthiness. Learn to pat yourself on the back. This is different from conceit or bragging; this is self-acknowledgement. Of course, it’s also good to have friends around who can share your joy when you've got good news to share with them – even if it might sound a bit like being full of yourself to your internal Critic. Having friends who can share in life’s victories is at least as important as having a shoulder to cry on when things go wrong.

Perfectionism is the enemy of self-esteem. If you feel that you are only as good as your last performance, you will spend your life feeling you are always on stage. Recognize that we all make mistakes, we all need to change our minds sometimes. You do not have to prove you are flawless in order to be worthy of living on this earth.

John Barllew MS has graciously allowed us to publish some of his work. He holds a Masters degree in clinical psychology from Purdue University and is certified by the Body Electric School in massge. He is a member in good standing in the American Counseling Association, The Association For Gay and Lesbian and Bisexual in Souseling and The Licensed Study of Sexuality. Besides his private practice in Georgia he also lectures throughout the Untied States for The Body Electric Institute.
We at Always Your Choice thank him sincerely for his contribution and acknowledge his articles that have improved the quality and reaching out of this website.
Mr. Barllew Can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-8536